Interview with a Vampire: The Wise Jasper Cullen
by lalliette
Summary: jasper is an idiot, bella makes us see this by forgetting to do her homework, tis tis


**Interview with a Vampire: The Wise Jasper Cullen and his War Stories **

Disclaimer: No, I don't own any of the Twilight characters, I don't believe that vampires should glitter (any way I have my own vampire boyfriend) so Bella can keep leeching on to Edward and Edward can keep stalking Bella and watching her sleep (that's just creepy)

It was another cold wet misty morning in forks. Bella and Edward were early for school due to Edward's Super Duper fast car, which makes no sound. They sat at a dew covered bench discussing top-secret vampire feeding habits (for some odd reason Edward always looked hungry when he spoke to Bella about vampire food) when Jessica came trotting along with the days gossip.

"Oh my word Bella," she began "Eric went for an interview at Forks Times Newspaper but got rejected like the lameo he is. I could have told you that after reading his article on Speedo padding on the swimming team, I mean like duh. Rumor has it that Lauren made up her report for history and is now suspended from school. Our interview is due after lunch isn't it? Did I tell you about my night out with Mike? He took me to…" Jessica prattled on and on not realizing that no one was paying attention to her anymore.

Edward sat back as a satisfying grin spread across his face. He, of course being the geek that he is, had done his history interview. He had gotten all the information he needed from his grandfathers journal. (No, it was actually his journal but we can't tell the humans that Edward lived during World War One) Bella as we know was not so lucky, she didn't have any of these resources. The only people she new that could possibly help her were the Cullen family. But they all took history and need the information for themselves, except Jasper. Jasper didn't take history and he was the perfect person to ask for help.

Bella thought and thought. Vamp wars were so different from human wars. She bit her lip while thinking (she thought so hard that steam came out of her ears, or maybe that was the mist.) oh well they will just have to improvise. The morning sped away until lunch where Bella corner Jasper and blackmailed him into helping her.

"Jasper!" Bella screeched as she stormed into the lunch room. Bella had grasped Jasper's attention as soon as she seated herself between Alice and Edward at the table.

"Jazz, my dear sweet Jasper, I need your help." Bella said in sugar coated sweet voice "if you don't help me I will tell the whole school that you sparkle and you're proud of your sparklefulness." She added narrowing her eyes.

Jasper swallowed and nodded.

"Ok for my history report I'm going to interview you. You are going to pretend that you were in a war. I don't care which war, any war will do. You are also going to pretend to be a guy called Christopher."

"Why Christopher?" Jasper asked in a squeaky voice. He was so scared of Bella and her threats that he lost his scary vampire voice.

"Because Christopher is the name of some one that can make a difference. A hero. Or we can call you Marvin." At least she was giving him a choice.

"Fine then, I will be Christopher."

Bella: What was the worse part of the war?

Jasper/Christopher: Seeing the thousands of men march into battle. No one told then that they were fighting a lost cause. I mean Hitler; he wanted to make the world full of blue eyed blonde people. He wasn't even a blue eyed blonde; even his cook was a Jew.

Bella: Where would you say was the worst battle was fought?

Jasper/ Christopher: In the classroom. Children have to fight the teacher, fight the rules. Fight fight fight… What happened to Flower Power? Ok yes there were baby booms in those times but everyone loved each other or were just too stoned to know the difference

Bella: Would you like to share the most tragic stories of the war?

Jasper/ Christopher: there was a young man, straight out of high school, fresh meat, and he had an obsession with Jelly Beans. When he left for battle he couldn't find any Jelly Beans. He then started to suffer from Jelly Bean malnutrition and died because of it.

Bella had heard enough. She thanked Jasper for his cooperation and left the lunch table before Jasper could make an even bigger fool of himself or drag his family name through the mud.

Bella decided that she would rather make up her report and get suspended than hand in Jaspers and get expelled.

Authors Note: …


End file.
